Pain ......

Some how when ever I end up in a pressurized situation, out of water on the ground, gasping for some energy for life, all of my so called ‘friends’ gets busy. I don’t know if it is bad timing or my so called’ friends’ are unable to realize that I am in trouble! It is just plain pain when I realize that I don’t have many to talk the things I go through - fire fighting issue in project and life. I always have a smile pasted on my lips ploughing through what ever I face. It really doesn’t mean that I enjoy what I do all the time. There are crunch time where I would look around if any one is watching what I am going through and how long I have been doing this. No! If you are thinking about sympathy, I am not talking about that, what I am talking about is a little care from some one around! No I don’t want to make my life as a big thing and say that I am doing the most tenuous job which no one has done. I am just doing what everyone of my age would have been doing. I am doing this all by myself for almost 5 years now. Yes things done and taken care is only for me and for no one else. But I was there for so many people when they wanted some one to burst out their frustrations, their problems and their worries. I never shared or never tried to share such things with any one. I thought there will be some one some where, who will have time and energy to see the things I am going through and understand me. May be I am too proud to ask my friends to hear me out. Either way too proud is making me suffer things all alone

I am not talking about plain loneliness, I can say proudly that, if my friends have a problem, may be a screw fix to a big decision in their life, I will be one among the foremost whom they will reach out and talk. It has been like this for years now. Even when a big failure, a big loss , a huge excitement, yes they call me, But they call me , reach to me only when they need me! There wasn’t one person reaching me asking what I am going through, this includes my family and so called big group of friends. I don’t know if I am alone in this or there are unlucky folks like me out there. I don’t think it will make much difference writing this out here but it helps a lot as writing shells out a lot of frustration in mind and feels like I was talking to some.
Another realization that all I have is myself and have to gather myself from the broken pieces back to smile pasted bulk face and go along. The expectation of having a great friend is too much in this busy world where careers is bigger than care for any one. Expectation just doesn’t reduces joy but it just kills the instinct to smile J

Half the time, I was living through my wonderful past and experiencing anxiety about my future. Let it be a small matter about today’s climate to about big matters like family and career. I came to present moment only when it is of extreme happiness or sadness. Otherwise mind just swings to and fro from past to future. I have read some where that ‘present’ is where we need to live and people who live in present moment are mostly happy. I thought about this for long and realized that when ever I am in present moment, I am never bored. But to be in the present moment is never easy. Trying my best to shift to the present winter leaving the memories of a fresh summer at home and trying to stay happy!