Monday, December 12, 2005

Hyderabad ! My Short Term Transfer !

The life of a software engineer is always full of uncertainties. This was yet another example. On a Wednesday morning, October 5th, my Project manager came to my cubicle. I was playing with registries and dll's as usual using my MSI editor tool. He pulled a chair from the next cubicle and sat with me. Began to ask about my future plans. Slowly the topic slipped into the technology I'm working with which is ' Windows Installer Technologies'. My instinct said something bad is coming.Then the question came
PM: Ramesh, "How Much u r interested in learning one more tool for Windows installer?" My answer should be a YES, and I gave it away.
Next question came like this
PM:-" How much comfortable r u relocating ur self into another place on a short notice".

This question sounded like they r gonna send me onsite. So I have to say I'm comfortable. Now comes the real hard hitter
PM:-“ So Ramesh, Get ready for a journey as u'll have to attend training on a new tool and get into a new project in Hyderabad, u'll have to report there my next Monday". This is how the transfer traps are laid...But this was all official.
I was getting bored up with Bangalore life. Things were getting into a mess. I was stuck up with a bad routine. Everyday the same bus, different faces, but no body cares to smile as ‘being social’ is not easy for a software engineer! In office it always end up as same food, same kind of work and same ppl all around you. I needed a break, little fresh air, to get out of my comfort zone and do something refreshing. I badly needed change from my cubicle at least. So god gave it this way.
My journey to 'Hyderabad' started with one of colleague who also fell into the same trap, but in her case she asked for the transfer.The journey started with a lot of things happening. My colleague’s auto rickshaw was hit by a BMTC bus on the way and we had to keep the bus waiting for 20 minutes. The driver was moving the bus a few inches every now and then, but she was able to make it in time. Her friend was also there helping me out to keep the bus waiting!!! We were standing in front of the bus ensuring that the bus won't leave without us!
The hotel booked by our company was not up to the cooperate standards. The rooms were small compared to what we had in Bangalore. But it's paid by our company and that too on for one week, " Sub kuch chlata hey". My colleague who traveled was a northy from ‘Bareli’. Being with her for some time, my Hindi improved (if u can call moving from 1 to 2 in a scale of 10 as an improvement). Still I struggle with the gender problems of Hindi. Some time it’s for the Subject and sometime its for the object, but I was catching up quickly. Hyderabad seems to be less crowded than Bangalore. May be I haven’t gone into the crowded places. Lot’z of places to visit in Hyderabad.
There was a Half Marathon going on in Hyderabad and I was very happy to finish 10 km in one hour 8 minutes. I was running after a break of 8 years. The last time I ran was in my High school and I don't remember the chronological place as there was more than 25 participants and I was among the last five to finish.
Another fellow who fell into this transfer trap was also in there, who traveled before me. He was enjoying things at Hyderabad. He called himself a 'Daarobaaz' and enjoyed the new buch of folks he got at hyderabad for 'Boozing'.He was focusing on a good cycle of 'daro bazz' in the next quarter with entries from all the good pubs in Hyderabad topped with an entry in 'Goa' around the Newyear! He told me about the corperate nights happening in one of the pub which was pretty much interesting for me. I had plans to visit the place but struggled to find a good company and time. I was shocked to find my reporting project manager as this was the same fellow who rated me bad on communication skills because I had spelling mistakes on my first mail to him. This guy can hardly say an English word properly but kept on saying
" Ramshzz U have to improve ur communication skilshzzz otherwishzzze itszzz not going to work out!!!"
I kept a note in my mind not to take a ride from him this time. The first day itself he pointed out me about the onsite account getting locked. The real problem was there was an automatic logging enabled and it got locked. PM raised my name and told me hard on face that i have to be watchful with my passwords. I gave him back then and there stating the problem and how I’m not a part of it.Then his managing skills sprang up and the usual sentence followed.
" Rameshzzz U have to take it from a poszzzistive frameee of Mind...".
I got accommodation with my friend from my X-project. I was very happy with the 3BHK flat and the group to which I was introduced. There were three guys from a US based MNC with the same name Arun, so we ended up calling by their father's name. There was one more guy from another US based company who was the senior most in the house. The house had everything a bachelor will need. TV, DVD player, PC with 24 hr internet connection, washing machine, good company for cards, for booze up, smoking, for everything ;). I started to like things around except my PM. But that also got resolved with in one week as the PM got into a new project and went onsite. Poor client ppl as he flew to Japan! They are defentily gonna suffer.

I started to look for some interesting faces in our floor, basically my PU (project Unit). One girl was little attractive and bold, but as us usal good faces are always booked :D. Our company has a reputation for good looking gals but in Hyderabad it was different. The concentration was far below what we had in Bangalore. No hard feelings Hyderabhadiyan's, it depends a lot on beholder of the eye. I never found anything interesting in Hyderabad apart from some faces which stole some glances. As things were getting settled, it got rattled again by a mail from my SPM (senior Project Manager) saying that our project is held up for another two months. So we three from Bangalore got held up in Hyderabad on bench doing some 'Phaltu' work as my colleague will phrase it!
We had nothing to do until another PM started to bug us for some innovative ideas for the process we are dealing with. It was nothing innovative and we figured it out that the job was just to keep us with work until the project is kicked off.
I got to attend three treats as it was a birthday season from my X project mates. Went to Hussein Sager lake, hotel Paradise and had Hyderabadi Biriyani!!!. I have heard a lot about it but I didn't find it tastier. The biriyani was too rich for me! I luv my old Kerala chicken biriyani :D. Went to IMAX and saw the movie 'Harry Potter and Globlet of Fire', one among the only two of that kind in India.I have to admit, the screen is too big for my eyes and it was a memorable experience. The ‘Necklace road’ and ‘Eat Street’ is a good place to spend an evening if you have a good company. But we 'the mallu' group from my room was left stranded looking at couples there. One guy from our room was getting married by Jan. This was the second part of a two year old love story. We had fun teasing this guy about his future plans and the ealry inroad to the nuanses of life.
I tried a lot of new things here like Gym, Aerobics and all. I got inspired from by my colleague. The funniest thing in Aerobics was I was the only beginner who created the maximum headache for the trainer as I erred steps and always disrupted the rhythm. But as usual the regularity for health governing activates began to fade with weeks.. By December first week I got information from my PM asking me to apply for Sweden VISA and to prepare for my first assignment abroad.
Things started off good but later I came to know that there are only remote chances for me to make it to ‘Onsite’. The work permit application got stuck up as the consulate found it difficult to find my face in the dark back ground photo and asked for a white background photo. I should have smiled with my teeth out to ensure that they can locate at least a white strip in the photo… Still I was happy to be in a good project which might come up. By December third week, the Project for which I was transferred got started and all the team members started to work. I was the lone boy left out from the group to one of the corner cubicle waiting for the project which might come up during the next month.

Life is always full of uncertainties. I came here for one project but ended up doing some other work and found my way to some other project which is a long way ahead to start. A thing starts to look very exciting for a moment and it fades off. The off beat mode of a person springs up suddenly from no where to heights of excitements. Life is not always fare with anyone. When it’s playing fair, express the thanks to thee and when it goes the other way ask god for strength to play with the unfair life.
Looking forward to yet another spree in ONSITE.... I'll come up with my next post...
'My First Onsite Visit'

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Rain It's different for me now !!!


It was raining heavily outside. Dark clouds gathered in the sky and nature was in its ominous best. I took a break from my work and went to the pantry to grab a cup of coffee. I had a sip and went near the window to see the rain pouring down heavily outside the glass structure. I was inside our huge office building, unruffled by even the fierceness of the nature. Through the heavy transparent glass, I could see a small girl trying to hold on to her umbrella which the wind was snatching away from her. I felt sorry for the girl, and was happy that I was not in a similar pathetic situation. Yes. I take pride for the fact that I am a software engineer. . I have everything which a common man would envy; money, status, respect, you name it I have it. I always wanted to be software professional and here I am, working for one of the best firms in the world. But then, am I really happy? Now, I could see an imprint of my palm on the other glass window, through which I reminisced my past, basked in the warmth of the sun shine.

My childhood was so much of fun. I vividly remember those rainy days, when I hugged my mother tightly during sleeping listening to all the stories told by her. Now, I have a big house here, but then it is just a house, not a home. My parents are pretty far away from me now. I have a cell phone to talk to them everyday, but then I really miss those dinners which I had with my family everyday. I could easily afford to taste all the different cuisines these days, but the best of food there, lack the love and affection which is present in the food prepared by my mother.

I threw a lavish party for my colleagues for my birthday, but then they would never replace the birthdays when my friends secretly brought a cake and at the end, half of the cake would have ended up on my face. The couple of hundred bucks that u save for a long period just to give a treat to your friends in the road side chat shop can never give the pleasure even after spending a few thousand bucks these days.

The scene of me crying and refusing to have dinner on the day when I fought with my best friend came to my mind. Today, she has gone far away from me, taking away my love and with it my life, but I am sitting and coding here with a false smile on my face. Everyday I meet new people, but then I long ceased to make a new friend.

It’s true that I have a lot of things now. I have a nice bed, but no time to sleep. Lots of money, but no friends to spend it with. The latest designer clothes, but a worn out body. Quite a few to flirt, but no one to love. Awards for technical excellence, but no reward for the crave for peaceful ambience. A confident demeanor, but a reluctant and apathetic mind. Full of rain, but no sunshine even in the farthest distance.

Now, I could see the small girl on the road enjoying in the rain with her umbrella firmly in her grip. She might not have all the comforts which I have, but then she has the innocence and fun which I lost a long time back. I have decided to come out of this false fantasy, even if it is at the expense of losing the tap of the software engineer. I am going to again enjoy my life. I am going to go out in the rain and play with the small kid now. I removed my tie, and went near my computer to shut it down. Just then, I saw a new mail alert in my mail box. I slowly opened outlook and I found a message from my manager with an attachment saying that there was a critical defect in the code and I have to fix it soon. I convinced myself that I am not going to get bogged down again by these pressures and stick to my decision. I ignored the mail and went to the rest room. After a couple of minutes, the software engineer in me came out, his shirt tucked in with the perfect tie knot, sat before the computer, and started typing,

XYZ,

I am looking into the defect and will send the patch files before EOD.

Regards,
Me.

Author:- Unknown, but the character is almost the same as me :(

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

A night in Volvo :)


The air conditioner was switched off inside the bus. Felt like I'm inside a boiler. Time was 3:30 and the bus is parked under direct sunlight in front of Sangeetha College. I gave attender my ticket and he gave me the boarding pass. I took it and the seat number was 40. I looked at him in disbelief. I asked him whether I'll get another seat. He said he'll try, be happy with the last seat in the corner for time being. I recalled my dad's words" seat is conformed but no seat number".I tried to push-in my bag to the overhead rack but it was too big. Usual i managed to push it in. So i have to keep it on my lap. I sat at the rear end of the bus wondering where I'll be tomorrow.
The passengers where a lot different from the usual bunch. I spotted two foreigners in the third seat, a black in the seat in front of me and one gal and her mom have a look of "chinkes" but dressed up like Europeans. There was one more fair lady in seat number 26 keeping all her luggage on the next seat. She already had a fight with the bus attender when he said , the seat is booked for someone else and the lady cannot keep luggage inside the bus. But she's tough I guess!

The aircondition was too cold when bus got started but I had my overcoat. The fun began as the guy in front of the tough fair lady moved his seat a little back so that he can sleep. The lady was having her leg inbetween the seat. As the guy moved it back, she began to scream out of pain. No body screams like that for a small thing like this. Then the culprit( the guy in the front seat)
asked " Mam, what happened ?"
(Fair Lady ) FL: Why did u do that ? U broke my leg U U :^*@ &*^^!!!!
(Culprit ) C: Sorry mam, I didn't see u had ur leg inbetween
FL: I'm not gonna leave u, U %&$#@ Now saying sorry to me AUUH my leg
C: turned back and said in Malayalam ," Do anyone scream like this for getting their leg inbetween two cushioned seat!!!!"
Then happened the most incredible thing, the Fair lady went to the bus cleaner and complained about the culprit. Then she came back and startd to make calls, first one was to one of her friend in Indian Express News paper, then one call to some Ministers's secretary.
Call was all about "The misbehaviourof a keralite to a foreigner :(".

The culprit had a red face and he didn't know what to do. Once the fair lady stopped talking, the other two chinkees joined her and they started to curse people around them. The major discussion was about the illiteracy of Indians, about our manners ( according to them , we don't have any).

Most frustrating thng that I saw there was no one in the bus was willing to comment or to take part in this heated discussion. They all have their own things to bother and the innocent fellow was left without any sleep until the bus stopped for dinner. I was little worried about the culprit and invited him to take the seat next to me. Fortunately the seat was empty until we finished our journey and the fair lady was happy with the leg space for her when no one was seated in front of her. Fir this journey she occupied three seats in effect, one to put her luggage, one for her and the one in front of her :) Luckly as we were in the last row of the bus, no one was there to put their leg inbetween our seat ;)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A job an Interview away !!!!


courtesy : Title of this blog, i have taken from a malayalam movie named 'Bhagyavaan' , *ing Sreenivasan, Jagathy and more.( Written by Vyshag)

'Alabhya Labhya Shree'


Most of you might have got some difficulty in reading and understanding the title, feel sorry for that. This is juz like a diary notes of around 1.5 years of a mighty jobhunter . Vyshagh. C, passed out in the year 2004, ECE batch from SCET with 78% aggregate(have to admit that its of no use). Thinking about the life ahead, found that i need a job very badly. Started applying for jobs even before getting expelled from the college. Started my RUN of recruitment tests with IT giant INFOSYS. Just 15 days after finishing my final exam, i wrote for Infosys at Christ College, Bangalore.,'ahaa' , no chance of clearing the test. So the very 1st first one itself was an utter failure. It was followed by a crap organisation in Chennai named DSRC. As before, came back happily. Again it was CTS(in shreds), but no way.....

By june mid of 2004, i thought of moving to Bangalore. Nandu also was ready to shift. That time, we were very busy in droping the resumes, contacting some friends and relatives, to get the news regarding openings. Also thinking about some courses to be done along with. And finally decided to join for a course on 'software testing' and STAG s\w, seeing some of our seniours doing the course and geting placed. Mean time we attended MindTree, GoRemote and also TCS walkin which was cancelled later. One and half month course was over by september and we were eagerly waiting to see what will happen next. In between Nandu got an offer from NEST in cochin. So he went back to homeland. He was pretty happy with that job, riding own pulsar and weekend visits to home. As a result i was alone in bangalore in the later part of my job hunt.

With the experience of 4 or 5 uncleared test, i have started recognising the blunders i was doing in the tests. As i made some genuine attempts, i cleared the tests of Surya soft and Tata Infotech. There was only 1 round of intrview for both, but i couldnt make it, even though one of the top directors of Suryasoft was my relative. Ramesh, through with Infosys and also Thomas got some BPO job, both landed at bangalore. STAG s\w, where we did the course, called me for an intrview as i had a good marks in the final test they made. I could make through with thier intrview, and they told i will be called in 1 month to join. Happy to hear that and thought of visiting home and come back for joining when they give me the date. I went home and told all my relatives and friends about this. 1 month was over, 2 months, 6 months...now its almost 1 year , no calls yet(Note No:1).

Throwing STAG to waste bin, again started writing tests. Tata Elxsi, SAP Labs, Huawie, LnT Infotech, Accenture, Satyam and it goes on. A few, out in 1st round, few 2nd round and few final round. SHARP s\w in ITPL called me for a test, i cleared the test and 1 round of technical intrview and they told of calling me later. Later Nandu also did the same. When contacted later, they told that we both are ready to be acquired, no more interviews and will call us later. Again much happy to hear that....but till date no calls yet....(Note No:2).

Subex sytems was the next, called me for the opening in testing field. 2 hectic days inside their office resulted in 4 rounds of interview-3 tech rounds and 1 HR. I dont know how i cleared 3 tech rounds. For the HR interview there was only 2 of us and some 1 told that they have opening of 6. So we both have pretty confidence of clearing HR, also the interview was pretty good and cool. After all the HR guy was TVM vala mallu, so confidence raised. 2 days later they called me, told we both have cleared the interview and get ready to join. They gave us the joining date, training and salary details. I called my home and told the matter. It was the day of father's retirement. So when he addresed in function, told them 'On the day i am steping down, my son is going to join'. But later, the next day, the Subex people called me again and told that they have to rethink about the decision and so please hang on. Still hanging for thier call....!!!What to do..u tell..(Note No:3).

Now it was almost the 2005 batch people are ready to come out from campus. I fled to Chennai, inorder to write GE. That time i got a call from Syntel also. With bear hand, i gave a blind attempt on Syntel and cleared the test. The interview was on the same day and it was april 2nd - Kochi 1day international b\w India and Pakistan. So even just before getting into the interview cabin, i was asking Krishnakumar(my friend) about the score. He just gave me hardcore glare and after that told me score checking in his mob. When got into the room, the 1st question from him was 'Whats the score ?'. ohh god.. so i am pretty happy to deliver him the latest scoreboard. The interview was very cool, and at the end he showed me the marks he hav put for me in each category of knowledge, english, academic performance and presentation and altogether he put some 17 out of 20. He asked 'vot do u think, vil u make thru with this'. I said i am not sure. he showed some other paper where there he have to tick his openion on me..rejected, recomend for another round of interview, selected, with held. He ticked 'selected' infront of me and asked me not to tell any1 about the result. The HR people will be telling you in proper way. And on april 13(day b4 VISHU), syntel HR called me and told me that my offerletter will be send to home within 2days. I felt that i got the most valuable 'vishu kaineettam'.. after a week mom called me and told the offer letter is there. The date of joining was May 29. But just 5 days before my joining date they called me again and told me that my joining date have been postponed and later they vil inform me...now its almost september..so almost 3 months..till now no news from them.....(Note No:4)....

And the final name that have to be added to this list is VERIZON. One of the most highly paid company for a fresher. Cleared the test, cleared the technical interview, they told no more interview. Filled their employment form and all. I heard they shortlisted around 300 including me, and have taken about 100 in june last. Unfortunately i was not able to be a part of that gang. After that i happened to hear that, they took another set of people yesterday. Vyshagh's name not included in that also. (Note No:5)

Stag, Sharp, Subex, Syntel, Verizon - all clearing the rounds of interview, iam not able to join anywhere. Almost 32 tests and 18 intreview in 14 months. I wish no1 should tire this much insearch of a job. Now i give u a chance, u can predict in which of the given company vil i join, or should i continue my run for the next name to be added to this list...?

Comapany Name - Location - Salary / month
STAG - Bangalore - Rs.7,500
SHARP - Bangalore - Rs.12,500
SUBEX - Bangalore - Rs.16,667
SYNTEL - Chennai or Pune or Bombay - Rs. 16,667
VERIZON - Chennai or Hyderabad - Rs.25,000
'Name that u can add'
Poll Back
Vyshagh Alabhya~labhya~shree

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Sun Times .......


Fun with Police

The road was quiet dark. When I said it out Ribin started to make fun of my comment asking. “How the road should be at night 2 O clock?” But it can have street lights. That’s what I’m meant. All these guys want to pull my legs. The next contender was still immersed in the movie. It was really a violent movie. He’s still clinging on to the last scene were the hero pierces his index finger to the villain’s throat. ‘Oh man the scene was cool ...’ and added to the already existing list of special effects. The movie was kind of bizzard. The language was too tough even for me (I’m the one who is more exposed to Tamil in the trio). We went out of main road were there was very little light. From there we had to take a right turn to head towards the YMCA hostel. As we reached the junction, the small crowd which came out of the theater thinned away.

We reached the junction and took the right turn. Now the road is barely visible but we kept on moving. All we can see is the junction ahead, some 500 feet away. The next street light!
As we reached some quarter of the distance two head lights were visible at the junction. The vehicle was moving slowly. It passed the junction and went to the left. Then I had a doubt whether it was a night patrol vehicle. I shoot a question in air about it. The vehicle is not gone yet. It came back towards the junction . Then it took a turn towards our road. Suddenly it stopped. Then the dim light was switched to bright. We three were walking towards the vehicle. Ribin started to ask me about our college ID cards. Those two guys had it and I didn’t. Leno searched pocket of his ill colored track suit for the counter foil of the Movie ticket. We could see he was visibly shaken by the presence of the police jeep. We didn’t change our speed. Slowly steadily we reached near the jeep.
On first look I realized it’s the circle inspector on the friend seat. I have seen him many times near our college and in the town. He’s a well built, heavy man with piercing eyes and a round face. Ribin was ok with his composure and I could barely see Leno. I had turbulence inside me as I donn’t have Icard. I thought in mind !!! Man this is goanna be a long night for us. We kept on moving as if we are not concerned about the police.
The CI asked us which a grunt voice “Where are u guys going?” I stooped beside the front window of the jeep “sir went for a second show”. CI “which Movie”
Me:“Sir Virumaandi”
CI: “Howz the movie”
Ribin” Its Ok sir, but too much of violence”
CI: “where u guys are staying”
Me: “In the YMCA hostel”
CI: “Which college “
Me “Our College name” (I don’t want to announce my college name here! It will a publicityfor our college ;) )
CI: “ U ppl come here to study or to see movies ? Ur parents sent u to get here , do ur course perfectly and get some job. Look at ur self! Right out in the night going for crap movies “

Me; “Sir it was one of my friends birthday, we don’t usually go for movies and all , just a celebration”
CI: “Ok ok go home …. Don’t get into my hands any more ok?”
Me: “ok sir”

We three started to walk towards the rear end of the jeep; suddenly one constable came out of the jeep and told us to get in. We were terrified for a moment! Then regaining my composure I asked him “ but CI said to go home”
Constable:” Is it so sir”
CI: “Leave them na …kids…just a celebration “
Leno was the guy nearest to him
Constable:” hey u there, come here”
Leno went near him
“Now blow out”
Leno tried doing it but...no air to come out …he tried hard but still the same.
He was gasping for air to blow out! But nothing came out

Ribin and I was struggling to keep our mouth from a bursting laugh. The police jeep went and we started towards the room. It took hardly two minutes to reach Leno's room.
On the way no one talked. Once we reached the room, three of us started to laugh. We laughed until we had stomach ache.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Soul !



I close my eyes i see her,I wish i could close them for ever,

Not wanting to open them to find her gone,It's been a long time that i have smiled,

A smile that is not fake, a smile from my heart,With filled eyes,

I sit there gathering strenght,Gathering strenght to let go,

Let go of everything,I sit there starring at those empty bottles,

Even they couldn't give me relief,Even they couldn't help me forget,

I sit there starring at the luring shine,Finally i make the cut and let it flow,

I make the cut deep enough, as deep as my sorrow,

Deep enough to sink me, sink my sadness,I can feel myself geting empty,

Empty of the pain and the sorrow, empty of the life,

The blarring in the eyes, the faintness in the head gives me,

Gives me a sense of freedom, gives me a sense of relief,

As I close my eyes i see her,I smile at last, after a long time.....

:- Author Unknown

Sunday, July 03, 2005

The End! The Beginning!

Ways Apart :(

Mom asked me to have some water before leaving. I never used to drink water. That day I was hurrying through my lunch. As usual mom gave me lunch just on time and said she has done as she said with a smile. I couldn’t even touch the rice as it was steaming . I finished my lunch in a hurry, it was filling enough to ensure a good sleep for noon session. On my way out, Pop asked the usual question “At what time your tuition starts?” My pop will always have a question when I’m about to leave . I answered with some tint of frustration “the usual time”. He kept on questioninguntil i gave the answer “The same time which I told you last week”. He was not happy neither me! He again started with his husky voice about my daily schedule. I had my bath just about half past 12 and was rushing through my lunch so that I’ll be in time for my class at 1:15 about three kilometers away from my house. I ran out saying it’s not his problem. He didn’t mind asking about taking his two-wheeler neither sis I. Mom already had given me money to take auto rickshaw. One can always count on their Mom.
The usual place from which I used to get auto rickshaw was deserted. I looked at my watch and started to walk. One empty rickshaw came in the opposite direction and for my luck it turned around and agreed to take me. Once inside the rickshaw I was happy that I had 10 minutes to spare. I thought, I’ll not be late today. On the way there were many extended hands towards my rickshaw and I realized there are not many free rickshaws on this Sunday afternoon.

I noticed one gal with an extended hand towards my rickshaw. Her face was very familiar to me . Yes she is it! After a long break of five years I saw her. Nothing much changed. She had put on some weight. But still I was allured to her eyes. For a moment I thought of asking the rickshaw driver to stop and let her in. Then I realized she won’t be coming in. Any way I didn’t have the courage to do it either! It ignited the whole dream a little more. But even in dreams I behaved the same. My favorite one was the one in which I‘ll be traveling by the train. She comes with the ticket number next to me and takes the seat. I couldn’t start the conversation as I’m afraid to speak to her.


After that I never saw her in my life. But her face is still in my heart. Everyday I think about her at least once. I discussed my dreams and intentions to many of my friends but never disclosed her name because I don’t want to disturb her life. I believe that some day she would get to know what happened to me and who was the cause. But that day never came. With a lot of patience I waited hard and long.
Things were flying around me when I eventually got in to one of the software company just after one moth of completion of my course. No one in my family thought I would make through to my career in my first interview itself. Not even me!
When I went into training I learned that some of my tarine mate are from the Dream gals's college. I casually enquired my friend about the gal. From there I got a clear idea where she is now and how I can reach her. I had a vow in my mind that I won’t be disturbing her. It was almost nine month after my joining date I asked one of my friends to get her e mail id. My friend had friends working in the same company. Since her name was a little peculiar one they didn’t took much time to identify her. After getting her email id I was in a dilemma, should I go ahead or wait for something to happen. I waited impatiently staring at my inbox with a new mail composed for hours. Many of my friends caught me like this but they couldn’t figure it out why I’m like this.

It was on a Friday, April 1st. I was about to leave. Without an after thought I composed a mail saying I’m an old friend of the gal , cannot say friend but had been in same class. Then wished her a happy fool’s day and asked her to keep in touch. I send the mail in a flick of a second because if I think again, I wouldn’t do it. April 2 and 3 was one of the longest weekend in my life. The mail was sent from my yahoo id to her official id. I had added an apology saying about sending mails to her office id. On Monday morning no reply was there. By noon I thought this is the end. After finishing my lunch, when I came back to my cubicle the yahoo mail flashed with “U Got Mail’ icon. I thought it would be mail from my college group. I causally opened it and saw, it was her reply!!!!. It was one of the happiest moments in my life. The mail said nothing more than asking me what she should do. Wish me back happy fool’s day? She also enquired about how I got her mail id and which class we were together. She wrote that she doesn’t remember me by name and may be she’ll recall on seeing me. I explained about the mail id and the class in the next mail. Then in the same mail I asked her to keep in touch. From there onwards every time I get a good mail, my fingers went to the contact list to add her in the address bar but I some how restrained myself. Then it used to be some good morning mails, happy weekends and usual forwards. But she never mailed me back or commented.

It went on for almost two months. Then one fine evening in June I build up some courage to ask her if she have some time to talk to me. I never realized how she would be feeling about these things. One guy from no were comes and introduces himself, announces him to be her old class mate which she doesn’t remember, tries to be her friend even when she’s not at all responding. I never thought from her shoes. i didn’t get a reply. I waited the whole day expecting a mail saying I was busy or couldn’t get time. But nothing happened. Then I got impatient and mailed her asking whether she’s that busy to drop a mail saying her busy state or if she didn't wish to have a friendship. I got the reply the next moment with one line.
“Sorry I’m not interested”.
I stared at the mail for some time, sweated out. I knew the reply was goanna be a grant start or a disastrous end. The latter happened. I didn’t sleep that day. I was hurt deep. I read somewhere that love hurts. I never believed it, but now I’m feeling the pain. Kept on thinking what I had done. Should I have waited a little long before cutting the crab? Before asking her this I had the liberty of dreaming now it’s also forbidden for me. Then I realized there can be a 100 reason why she said something like that. U never knows what is happening within a girl's mind. I still believe she must have recollected my face and had rejected the thought of even having a friendship with me.
In our life you can dream for anything you want. We’ll attain most of the things, but we won’t get some. God knows which one suits us better than we do. So I think she deserves something special not an ordinary guy like me.
So the feeling inside me began to fade down after long lasted glow. I forgot to smile at any thing happening around. But then I realized nothing changed much whatever happened. I removed her from my mailing list so that I won’t disturb her by any means. But I couldn’t remove her from my thoughts; it was rooted much deeper. But I had to get rid of it. I have to be practical and live my own life. I have to accept the life as it comes. I’m not goanna wept on this; I’ll be back with laughter and fun but needed some time for the rebuild. God wanted it this way. With my heart full of love and admiration towards her, the truth remains untold……forever……
The true loved one never realized who loved them and how much…..I thought of leaving all this like this. Then one day I came across a forward asking ‘what I would have done if it’s my last day in life?’ The first thing came to my mind was telling out my love to this gal. I decided then and there, that I’m goanna tell her why I behaved like this. I sent her the link of my first post and completed it with a note ‘I don’t expect a reply’. Even if I badly wanted a reply saying at least a goodbye, nothing came! So an entry added to my list of unsuccessful dreams…..This is the first entry there!
She replied after a week i guess. As the interval came in I was begining to get rid of her memories from my mind. Not easy but I tried hard to do so! The reply was more disappointing as she's engaged and getting married this November. I felt happy that she at least cared to reply saying she don't remember me and she has never tallked to me. It was true....i have never talked to her. I guess I'll never get a chance to do so! Any ways things are headed to an end with a happy knot. I think this is the best thing that has to happen to her i mean the marriage!. The dreams left as dreams itself and i won't ( i'll try not to) have dreams about her anymore. So ....

Fantasies apart …I wish my love even if i cannot address her like that
a happy and eventful life ahead......

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

First Love !!!!!


First Love
It was a very cloudy afternoon. After school I didn’t feel to go to tuition class. I was afraid because marks will be given for the class test. I didn’t do the test well as I used to. All because of the accident that took place three weeks ago. I had hit an electric post with my bicycle and was thrown on to ground on my chest. It cost me my two front teeth. After spending two weeks in hospital, most painful thing was the smile on everyone’s face seeing me with broken teeth. I was one of the pet students for the tuition teacher. Half mindedly I took my bicycle and started towards the tuition class.

By the time I reached the tuition class it started to drizzle heavily. I hurried through the corridor with a wet head and sprinkles of water on the face. When I went inside the class room I found every one with a tensed face anticipating the terror “Mathematics Teacher”. I usually takes the seat next to the teacher but that day I moved far from my teacher and took the seat right next to the girl’s bench. The next moment teacher entered into the class room. From her face itself everyone realized its going to be a very bad time. She usually starts asking questions while cleaning the black board. She didn’t bother to clean the black board. So it was obvious to everyone that she don’t have any intention to take class. It’s going to be a roller coaster ride for the class. As she took the test paper books every one give a deep sigh. It was as silent as a deserted room. Teacher Priya always arranges the books in descending order of marks. Every one had their eyes clutched on to the heap of test paper books to find which one belongs to them. She took the first book and called a name. It was a girl’s name. I was looking at the next book to check whether it’s mine! She took the next book and called another name. It was my friend’s name who was present at accident spot. He was delighted to hear the mark. But the first mark was only 26 and the second 25 ½ out of 30. Next was my book .I scored the same mark! The ritual continued until she finished round the class. From the mark 15 onwards she was staring at each of the student who she handed the book. She never bothered to give books to those who scored less than 10. Books were thrown out through the window onto the rain!
Teacher started from the girl who scored the highest mark. She commented that it is not supposed to be a highest mark in maths in any class room. Then she turned to my friend who scored 25 ½ and asked where he went wrong. My friend showed the book to teacher and she found out that he went wrong in writing the question itself. In our tution class students has to first take down the questions and then go to their respective places to start answering. So it turned out to be a care less mistake. Madam started to fire him for all the mistakes he had done until now. Once my friend started to weep she turned and looked at me. I always had the reputation of scoring highest among the boys. She didn’t even bother to ask me what happened but started laughing at me. Then she said I have lost every thing along with my teeth. Once the tooth was gone I'm not smiling to any one. She asked me whether I lost my brain too with it! Suddenly every one in the class started to laugh. I had a burning sensation in my heart, an electric signal ran through my spine. I was really fuming. Then I spotted the girl who scored more than me, just a ½ mark seated right next on the bench and was laughing like she had seen some joker. If I had a chance I would have burned her there itself. I looked at the floor in disbelief that I had lost the reputation of brilliance in math. The class finished off with more shouting than any maths theorem. I noticed ,the girl is still struggling to stop the laughter. I decoded in my mind “Every one will have their own share, wait for yours buddy’

I was very early for the next class, first one to be there! With in seconds the girl who laughed at me also entered the class. I realized that she’s struggling to control her laugh watching me all alone in the class. Again I started to feel the heat ! This time I had the courage to stare at her but she didn’t bother to admit the stare. But as I was about to take eyes off her, I realized,I was not staring at her but hazing at her. For the first time in my life I felt some thing that attracted me. Until then when my cricket team hazed at the girls passing by, I used to tease them calling “Wolfs with no lower jaw”.
I looking at that pretty girl with my lower jaw out of control and with a sparkle in my eyes. There it started. In that class I hardly remember any equations that were taught. When ever teacher turned to the black board my eyes went for her. That day I left class thinking why I didn’t spot her before. She was there in the class for more than three months now. I dreamt the sweet smile on her face. I had an image like memory of her face by then.
From the next class on wards I always tried to sit near her. But no one around cared for that. But when ever she looked to my side, I turned my head away. Then I realized some thing is wrong with me. I started to admire her even more ,when she managed to keep pace with me or ahead of me in every test.
I started to look the way she dresses, her handwriting, the way she presented herself. She was pretty in every sense to me. She’s soft spoken with a good accent, always wearing simple jewelry but elegant one. The best thing I found was her intelligence which was always ahead of mine. Those days the questions thrown up to be answered were not volunteered by me anymore . I waited her to stand up and answer so that I could listen to her sweet voice and look at her face without any hesitation. Until and unless I was pointed out to answer ,I always gave her chance. By then I realised her school is the girls’ high school next to my school and we came by the same bus every day. I was silently admiring her . When we completed 10th and went for the PUC I badly need the maths teacher to continue taking tuition until PUC. But I could never even smile at her. Every time she turned and looked at me, I turned to a statue. I always tried to avoid her attention so that I could look at her and admire. Then she went on to the Women’s college to do her PUC and I never meet her again.
As she lives near by my house, every day when I go throuh the junction, I still turns around and look for any traces of her. Then I found out that she had been approached by many big shots , whom she had dumped . I realized I'm in a crowd marathon rather than 100 meter hurdle with only 10 to compete for her. I still feel the untold feeling in my mind is pure love. The untold ones are the once who are really loved…

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