Hopefully the worst crap I have written up until now!
I thought I am a happy go lucky person. But lately I realized that I am having mood swings every now and then, on silly things. May be because I do not have much on the ‘To do list’ as cleared my certifications after 5 attempts spending around 500 $ on it! Also it looks like my client won’t throw me out until December and my parents are struggling to find a bride for me in this ‘Recession hit time American times’. So no urgent matters to be afraid off!
So when mind is empty, doesn’t have any particular goal, playing games/guitar or watching movie feels boring, there come the weirdest things to fill up one’s mind. It starts from ‘No one really bothers about me and it extends up to ‘why am I here and what am I doing’ kind of thoughts! I have read the proverb ‘An ideal mind is the devils workshop’ but at that time ‘devil’ meant only bad thoughts to me. But now I am finding different version of devils’ work including the thoughts in mind and some hard rules which are set while devil is writing the scripts for them in my mind. I am not sure how many of you, who are actually reading this will understand this crap. I am not sure, but this happens to most of the people at different stages of their life. Nothing can be empty as per natures rule and when my mind gets empty, it gets filled out with craps thoughts. Some of them are
1. Who am I? (No, this is not stolen from the famous Jackichan movie, but a wondering thought which comes around irking me now and then. This just circles around and tries to find out the source of this thought. The hardest and longest search for it found out that it originates some where from the back of my eyes, but still unable to pin point the exact location.
2. Where am I ? : Now when I look around, I am in a pool of total strangers whom I know for may be couple of years. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen me in bits and pieces in last two years. For the people whom I really matter (not putting down any of my friends, but my family) I am just another phone call for some time now. All it takes is to check if the phone call had come at the stipulated time, if not they will be worried for sure but that’s it!
3. Who all will think about if I am gone! (Gone in the sense, not dead, but gone from the mod where I can communicate meaningfully. It can be a coma, mentally unstable / dead). Yes my parents will lose me, my siblings will and a first circle of relatives. Also my best friends who will be less than 10 in count. For the rest of the world, its just another person / another news in paper. Do we really worry about anyone else other than those who are really close to us? Even for the people who I mentioned, it would be a reality and they move on, as I moved on when I lost my best friend, my grandpa and many others. They just remain as a string of memory which will come along with some sparkling thoughts / situations where I miss them
4. Why everyone is busy when I am bored? I look at the long list of contacts in my phone and in Gtalk / skype and browse through each, thinking to call them / ping them. Then it comes to a state where, why should I bother people who are happy with their life and burned them with my ‘Empty life’. But most of the times when I call people or people call me, they would like and to talk, talk and talk and they seldom ask what’s happening with me. I am not sure its because the wrong expectation I have set or they just think about me only when they want to talk. ( I already told that this is crap and no need to take it in the literal meaning, but these thoughts does cross my mind now and then)
There are times when you just want to be all yourself. Not bothering to answer anyone, do nothing, but just feel floated staring away into nothing. At this very moment, everyone will try to contact you and you are left with two choice, to ignore all of them and be in your world or to answer them ignoring the mood swing. It is more like a constant tug of war in which either side wins at different circumstances and I guess that’s why we call it mood swings as it swings from one end to the other and it swings rite back when we are at the peak on any of the sides.
I thought I am a happy go lucky person. But lately I realized that I am having mood swings every now and then, on silly things. May be because I do not have much on the ‘To do list’ as cleared my certifications after 5 attempts spending around 500 $ on it! Also it looks like my client won’t throw me out until December and my parents are struggling to find a bride for me in this ‘Recession hit time American times’. So no urgent matters to be afraid off!
So when mind is empty, doesn’t have any particular goal, playing games/guitar or watching movie feels boring, there come the weirdest things to fill up one’s mind. It starts from ‘No one really bothers about me and it extends up to ‘why am I here and what am I doing’ kind of thoughts! I have read the proverb ‘An ideal mind is the devils workshop’ but at that time ‘devil’ meant only bad thoughts to me. But now I am finding different version of devils’ work including the thoughts in mind and some hard rules which are set while devil is writing the scripts for them in my mind. I am not sure how many of you, who are actually reading this will understand this crap. I am not sure, but this happens to most of the people at different stages of their life. Nothing can be empty as per natures rule and when my mind gets empty, it gets filled out with craps thoughts. Some of them are
1. Who am I? (No, this is not stolen from the famous Jackichan movie, but a wondering thought which comes around irking me now and then. This just circles around and tries to find out the source of this thought. The hardest and longest search for it found out that it originates some where from the back of my eyes, but still unable to pin point the exact location.
2. Where am I ? : Now when I look around, I am in a pool of total strangers whom I know for may be couple of years. All they know about me is what I have told them and what they have seen me in bits and pieces in last two years. For the people whom I really matter (not putting down any of my friends, but my family) I am just another phone call for some time now. All it takes is to check if the phone call had come at the stipulated time, if not they will be worried for sure but that’s it!
3. Who all will think about if I am gone! (Gone in the sense, not dead, but gone from the mod where I can communicate meaningfully. It can be a coma, mentally unstable / dead). Yes my parents will lose me, my siblings will and a first circle of relatives. Also my best friends who will be less than 10 in count. For the rest of the world, its just another person / another news in paper. Do we really worry about anyone else other than those who are really close to us? Even for the people who I mentioned, it would be a reality and they move on, as I moved on when I lost my best friend, my grandpa and many others. They just remain as a string of memory which will come along with some sparkling thoughts / situations where I miss them
4. Why everyone is busy when I am bored? I look at the long list of contacts in my phone and in Gtalk / skype and browse through each, thinking to call them / ping them. Then it comes to a state where, why should I bother people who are happy with their life and burned them with my ‘Empty life’. But most of the times when I call people or people call me, they would like and to talk, talk and talk and they seldom ask what’s happening with me. I am not sure its because the wrong expectation I have set or they just think about me only when they want to talk. ( I already told that this is crap and no need to take it in the literal meaning, but these thoughts does cross my mind now and then)
There are times when you just want to be all yourself. Not bothering to answer anyone, do nothing, but just feel floated staring away into nothing. At this very moment, everyone will try to contact you and you are left with two choice, to ignore all of them and be in your world or to answer them ignoring the mood swing. It is more like a constant tug of war in which either side wins at different circumstances and I guess that’s why we call it mood swings as it swings from one end to the other and it swings rite back when we are at the peak on any of the sides.
1 comment:
You are creating a nostalgic feeling for me. Find your partner. Everything will disappear.
By the way, it is not ideal but an Idle mind that is the devil's workshop'.
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