Concentric circles ......

I struggle to keep myself off drawing circles and keeping things 'in' and 'out'. But some how they just appear and things begin to fall in and out. I don’t know how they got in, but when they leave the circle, it is sure to keep my face frowned for at least from 'moments' to 'seasons'. As I am too bad in drawing or it is just the way the curves and brush behaves!!! Each time I select an invisible paint, on time the more invisible paint was, the more pronounced it becomes! Every time I thought the circle was so good and strong but the paint was too loose and it just required a gentle weep or a precious tear ….. :)

This is analogy at it heights and I want it to be like this. I hope no one understands but for those who does, I think experience taught them :)

Pain ......

Some how when ever I end up in a pressurized situation, out of water on the ground, gasping for some energy for life, all of my so called ‘friends’ gets busy. I don’t know if it is bad timing or my so called’ friends’ are unable to realize that I am in trouble! It is just plain pain when I realize that I don’t have many to talk the things I go through - fire fighting issue in project and life. I always have a smile pasted on my lips ploughing through what ever I face. It really doesn’t mean that I enjoy what I do all the time. There are crunch time where I would look around if any one is watching what I am going through and how long I have been doing this. No! If you are thinking about sympathy, I am not talking about that, what I am talking about is a little care from some one around! No I don’t want to make my life as a big thing and say that I am doing the most tenuous job which no one has done. I am just doing what everyone of my age would have been doing. I am doing this all by myself for almost 5 years now. Yes things done and taken care is only for me and for no one else. But I was there for so many people when they wanted some one to burst out their frustrations, their problems and their worries. I never shared or never tried to share such things with any one. I thought there will be some one some where, who will have time and energy to see the things I am going through and understand me. May be I am too proud to ask my friends to hear me out. Either way too proud is making me suffer things all alone

I am not talking about plain loneliness, I can say proudly that, if my friends have a problem, may be a screw fix to a big decision in their life, I will be one among the foremost whom they will reach out and talk. It has been like this for years now. Even when a big failure, a big loss , a huge excitement, yes they call me, But they call me , reach to me only when they need me! There wasn’t one person reaching me asking what I am going through, this includes my family and so called big group of friends. I don’t know if I am alone in this or there are unlucky folks like me out there. I don’t think it will make much difference writing this out here but it helps a lot as writing shells out a lot of frustration in mind and feels like I was talking to some.
Another realization that all I have is myself and have to gather myself from the broken pieces back to smile pasted bulk face and go along. The expectation of having a great friend is too much in this busy world where careers is bigger than care for any one. Expectation just doesn’t reduces joy but it just kills the instinct to smile J

Half the time, I was living through my wonderful past and experiencing anxiety about my future. Let it be a small matter about today’s climate to about big matters like family and career. I came to present moment only when it is of extreme happiness or sadness. Otherwise mind just swings to and fro from past to future. I have read some where that ‘present’ is where we need to live and people who live in present moment are mostly happy. I thought about this for long and realized that when ever I am in present moment, I am never bored. But to be in the present moment is never easy. Trying my best to shift to the present winter leaving the memories of a fresh summer at home and trying to stay happy!

Manju Kalam ........

I struggled for about two minutes to get the rite spelling for 'Manju- manzhu - manzju '- what ever, i mean Winter :) I asked my roomie for the english spelling of manju and he said 'S -N-O-W' and started laughing .... So the title is Manjukalam .... ok about the new experiences in winter ....

It is the last week of November. Starting of another winter season with lots of memory! During my school days, November was always a time with a lot to study, a lot to finish off. It these days bring back memories of cold early morning hours sitting on my balcony looking at the dim light across my compound wall with a text book on my hand. My eyes would be searching for some thing interesting in and around, but not in the book. Eyes will fall back on the books only when I hear foot steps of my mom with a hot black coffee. Most morning would be misty and rainy. I never realized that, those where one of the best November rains I experienced.
Today when I wake up to a cold freezing morning, yes here freeze means, (it literally freezes) I have around 5 to 10 things in my to-do list which includes my laundry, my insurance memo, to my project release dead line, list goes on. Now I feel the mid term exam of November or December is a luxury compared to what I have today. After the exam its care-free days until the next school day / term day start. No need to worry about the back log of emails I need to reply or work pending when I come back after vacation. No worries about the contract renewal or the lease I have signed. But going forward I guess even the to-do list what I have today will be a luxury. I guess that’s what life is all about. But the winter here in US is different. It is more some how paints a painful memory of empty trees, blank looks and dull atmosphere. I have heard that only thing which is good about winter is Xmas. Winter for sure affects my daily life

I started understanding new meanings of shelter: The heated indoor feels like heaven when you are made to wait in the freeze outdoor for 5 minutes by your roomie.

Even after igniting your car, you have to sit in a freezed car with ice over all the windows for 5 minutes to see outside.

Running is as close to impossible as its slippery. So car or heated place 500 feet away means, you are 8 minutes away from heaven or you have 8 minutes before your nose burst with blood or freezes down where you cannot even yell ( Like rose was freezed in Titanic climax :) )

Anything in refrigerator is no more interesting as they are too ‘cold’ that goes for ice cream and beer too

Nature call means taking off layers of cloths in seconds to unleash the power-with-in in-time, otherwise ends up in smelling wet dreams!!!

The only territory on your bed to sleep is where you are already occupied; any other place means dead cold!

Driving nightmares comes with new names as ‘Black Ice, un serviced roads, hidden pavement in Ice. The list goes on and on…